Closed captions provided by softitler
( Both ) hey, look everybody,
It's bob and david !
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you very much.
( Crowd applauding )
Thank you so much. Welcome to mr. Sh--
Oh, hey, look at that, hey, who wants a banana ?
( Laughing )
Let me see that.
Hey, who loves bananas, everybody ?
( Laughing )
That's nuts, put that away, put that away.
Oh, are you all right ? Ok, well...
All right, well, we have fun here. Ok, well,
You are here on a historic night,
Because tonight, we're taping our "lost episode."
Thank you.
Yeah.
( Audience whistling )
That's right, uh,
As soon as we are done, this uniformed official
Will escort and lose the episode.
( Audience laughing )
And now, here to start things off, is windermere henkin,
The mayor of television.
Hello, windermere, i'm glad you could make it.
Thank you. Thank you.
Bob and david,
On behalf of the good people of television,
I would like to cut the ribbon
On your official "lost episode."
Here's to future nostalgia.
( Audience hooting )
Mazel tov.
All right,
The people of the future will watch this "lost episode"
And remember a time when people named bob and david
Wore crazy outfits,
And brought us all to the verge of laughter.
That's right.
And sometimes they made us all think,
And that's when the ratings took a nosedive.
So, if you want to remember the comedy of the 90s tomorrow, today,
Just call candy adams
At entertainment 4-Every-1 productions.
So there you have it, bob and david.
They're available for weddings, parties,
Get-Togethers, gang-Ups, bat mitzvahs, whatever.
They're very funny,
But be warned, they are satirical.
But don't worry. We have a lot of acts that don't use the "f."
Acts like:
"Choo-Choo," the herky-Jerky dancer,
"Champion," the drinker,
"Peanut butter," the dressed-Up dog,
And guess what ?
We have ventriloquists, too,
Like, uh,
Wally p. Doyle.
Tell them, pedro.
( Grunts )
Entertainment 4-Every-1 has the best in entertainers.
But for who ?
For you, you big dummy.
( Announcer ) that was the last recorded performance
Of the ventriloquist
Wally p. Doyle,
Brutally gunned down outside of a supper club in utica, new york.
Fans of doyle and his piney pal, pete,
Blame the puppeteer's east coast rivals.
We know who took wally and pete out, and they will pay.
They will pay.
It's a chilling echo of the deadly feud
That has consumed the world of rap music.
The west coast is the better of the 2 coasts.
We don't like the east coast.
The doyle murder was a retaliation
For the murder of west coast ventriloquist
Vince daytona and his wooden buddy, fitzpatrick,
Gunned down in mid-Act during a 6-Year-Old's birthday party.
Despite or possibly because of this shocking behavior,
Ventriloquism has infiltrated the youth culture,
And sales of ventriloquism c.D.S are at an all-Time high.
As of 1997,
This has become a $16,000-A-Year industry
And a hot topic in the media.
Rap artists, ventriloquists.
Blood has been shed. Lives have been lost.
Mr. Spencer, killer b. Killed,
Dingle, professor murder,
Pickles, mr. Barnett,
What is it going to take to put an end to all this ?
I'm gonna fuck you like a bitch, dingle.
Oh, yeah ? I want you to suck my 8 inches of redwood--
Will you stop ?
Stop.
Come on, guys, gentlemen. Puppets, gentlemen
I'm sorry.
Control your puppets, please.
I'm so sorry.
Killer b. Killed, what is it going to take for people like you
And dingle to get along with the east coast ?
Look, i don't know, man.
I mean, these guys got their fuckin' talkin' dolls and shit.
Questions, professor pickles ?
What ? I ain't no professor pickles.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, don't mess with the east coast.
I don't need you defending me, you howdy-Doody looking motherfucker.
I'm outta here, yo.
Yeah, i'm with him.
Man, step off.
( Announcer ) but there is hope.
In the wake of these senseless deaths,
Wally p. Doyle's widow
Is calling for peace
Among the puppeteers.
Oh, you men.
A nationwide peace conference being held at the motorcourt lodge
In indianapolis now enters its 2nd month.
We're absolutely committed to peace.
This has been too hard, we've lost too many friends now.
We're staying here until this feud is resolved.
So what is the current status of the talks ?
I don't know, i mean, it's not up to us, it never was.
You know, it's the little guys,
They're the ones who gotta work this thing out.
All we've ever wanted to do is entertain the nice people.
That's right.
( Announcer ) so far, after 36 days, no progress has been made,
And with the ventriloquism industry shut down,
People are forced to find other sources of entertainment.
You know, at first, when the ventriloquism stopped,
I didn't know what i'd do. But now,
I'm watching a lot more t.V.
( Announcer ) yes, life without ventriloquism
Isn't so bad after all.
I have more time to play with my kids.
People are camping,
( Chattering on t.V. )
Helping the elderly,
And reading.
What's on the funny video show tonight ?
Oh, um,
A man taunts a goat,
A dog wears a toupee,
A bird thinks it's a dog,
And baby loves head rub.
Oh, do we have any blank tapes ?
( Doorbell ringing )
We should tape it. Yeah, that's funny.
Oh, shit !
My god, mark, what's wrong ?
Oh, jesus,
How could i forget this ?
Listen honey, i should have told you this a long time ago,
But before i met you, i committed a murder.
What ?
Oh, shit !
Listen, i knocked this guy out,
And i hung him from a tree, 'cause i thought he was stealing my newspapers.
I left him for dead, but somehow he got down
And he looked me up, like a year later,
And i still run into him from time to time, and i just feel so bad,
'Cause, i mean, i tried to kill him for stealing newspapers !
You hung someone from--
Shh ! Listen, i ran into him about a week ago,
And i felt so bad i told him he could come over anytime for dinner.
But mark, i'm having a really--
Shut up, honey, i have to live with this,
Now you have to support me.
Hey,
Listen, if he tries to read any of his dumb-Ass poetry,
Just be nice.
Mickey, hey, come on in.
( Audience laughing )
Hi, mark.
Hey.
Thanks for having me, i hope it's no bother.
Oh.
It's no bother at all, man. No bother.
Uh, there's no newspaper on your porch,
I hope you won't blame me.
Oh.
( Laughing )
No.
Good, because i wouldn't want you to try to murder me again.
Mickey, i'm sorry about that, ok ?
I really am.
Hey, meet my wife, gina.
Gina, this is mickey. Mickey, gina.
Hi.
Uh, say, by any chance, are you a murderer ?
No.
Oh, good.
Then your children will only be half murderer.
( Sighing )
Mickey, i said i was sorry about trying to murder you, man.
I really am.
It was a mistake.
Oh, mistake ! Oh, a bit of a blooper, huh ?
Oh, really, ok. Well, that's understandable,
Because, uh-- Wait, no, no, no, it's not. No.
Hey, man, can i get you something to eat, or-- Or can i get you a beer ?
Uh, i'll have a glass of water, if you don't mind.
I-I-It hurts to swallow fizzy liquids.
Ok, one glass of water comin' up, man.
( Sputtering )
What do you-- What's that color, is that oak--
Glass of water for mickey !
Here you go, buddy.
( Audience laughing )
I can't, i can't.
Mickey, can i get you anything else ?
Oh, mark, you've done so much for me already, like,
Let me think, uh... oh ! You turned me into a living ghost.
That's something most people wouldn't do for other people.
Uh, but then again, i guess that's what makes you the president
Of our exclusive little club: "the mark tried to murder me club."
Can i get you some gum ?
No, no, mark !
You're not giving this asshole any gum.
Honey...
I beg your pardon.
You heard me, i want you out of our house.
Did your husband happen to mention the fact--
Yes, he mentioned it, but he didn't mention what a manipulative ass you are.
You just don't know when enough is enough, do you ?
Lady, your husband tried to murder me.
Oh, yeah. Well, thank god he didn't, right ?
There'd be one less prick roaming the earth making everyone feel sorry for him.
See ya. Bye.
Ok, fine, i'll go.
Let's see what the police have to say about this.
( Gasping )
You son of a bitch !
One second.
How many years did i have what i thought was innocent blood on my hands ?
Hang on.
How many nights have i lain awake sleepless,
Unable to tell anyone what i had done ?
Half a mo--
How many of your stupid poems have i had to listen to ?
Get him !
( Choking )
I'm gonna kill ya.
( Both panting )
Is it ours ?
No.
But it isn't his, either.
The name on the address label is eugenia o' shaughnessy.
Oh, see, honey ?
You were right to kill him all along.
Maybe.
Eugenia o' shaughnessy is his grandmother's name.
I know from some of his dumbass poems.
She might have given this newspaper to him,
But i like to think he stole it.
Me, too, honey.
Me, too.
( Announcer ) does your husband keep killing
The same man over and over again ?
If so, then we want you to be a guest on the delongpre dannon show.
Call us.
Ok, we're back.
Things got a little bit tense there during the break, but everything's ok now.
Now, chris, you wanted to say something to todd. Go ahead.
You can't tell me i can't have this baby.
I want some love and this baby is going to love me.
I'm sick of all y'all telling me what to do. I'm my own woman.
( Audience applauding )
Nah, now see... no, no.
See, i barely know this guy. We work at the same tire shop.
I only see him about twice a week.
He works in stock.
( All ) ooh !
You don't have to love this baby,
But it's gonna love you.
( Audience cheering )
Can i say-- Can i say something here ?
Yes, go ahead..
Ok.
Now, it's my professional observation
That chris, you have love feelings for your child,
But todd, you're also hurting.
I know how that feels, i'm 7 feet tall.
Let's go to the audience.
Oh, oh, delongpre, delongpre !
Ok, uh, first, i--I--I just want to say to this gentlemen,
He needs to check his attitude,
'Cause its the 90s,
And that stuff doesn't play, mr. Macho man, uh-Huh.
Ok,
An-An-And fake girl, you ought to be able to have your imaginary baby,
'Cause the most wonderful thing in the world is to be an imaginary mother.
And me, i ought to keep my mouth shut,
'Cause my mama taught me, you know, to keep my nose out of other people's business.
You go girl, you get it girl.
You got it girl.
( Announcer ) the delongpre dannon show
Is brought to you by ol' fisherman's sticky pads,
For use in medicine.
* they're gooey, they're sticky *
* doctors use them when you're sicky *
* they can decrease your blood flow *
* in every color of the rainbow *
* in blue * and green
* and new aqua
* they stick, they hold, they're great for young and old *
( Announcer ) hey moms, are your kids doctors
Or are they buyers for large hospitals or medical facilities ?
Well, then recommend ol' fisherman's sticky pads
For hooking people up to machines.
Ol' fisherman's, with more than one use.
( Both ) they got 2 uses.
Now for lie detectors !
All right, it's real simple.
Uh, paul, here, will ask you a yes or no question,
And if you lie, a buzzer will sound and a light will go off.
Let's show him.
Oh, no, that's all right.
No, come on, we'll test it.
( Both laughing )
All right.
( Sighing )
What ?
Ok, let's think of a good one.
Um, have you ever dreamed of kissing your brother ?
No.
( Buzzer sounding )
All right.
It's called a dream.
Ok, all right, fun's over. Let's get to work here.
Ok.
( Clearing throat )
Relax, sir.
Have you ever drank alcohol to excess ?
Yes.
Have you ever taken an illegal drug ?
It's ok, just tell the truth, that's the important thing.
Yes. Ok.
Marijuana ?
Yes.
Cocaine ? Yes.
Heroin ? Yes.
You did heroin ?
Yes.
Well, what about angel dust ?
Yes.
Jeez !
What about crack ? Did you ever smoke some crack ?
Yeah. Yes.
Dude ! You're out there !
( Audience laughing )
Hey, w-W-What was it like ?
You don't have to answer that.
(Whining ) paul.
Unless you want to. I mean, feel free if you--
It was great. It's crack. It gets you really high.
( Laughing )
Ok, all right, let's get back to work here.
Um, have you ever stolen from an employer ?
Yes.
And where were you employed ?
Nasa.
Yeah, what'd you steal ? A rocket ship ?
No, just some pens...
And some plans.
Plans ?
Space plans.
( All ) oh !
Hey, hey.
Have you ever killed a man ?
Tsk ! Boring.
You wanna let me finish ?
With your mind ?
( Audience laughing )
Yes.
Is this thing even on ? Come on !
God, yeah ?
Yeah, remember ? He kissed his brother.
Hey! That was a dream ! I dreamed it !
You can dream something and it's not real. It's just all up here--
Shut up ! Give me that !
Ok.
All right, uh, i am a control freak
Because i was molested by my parents.
Nothin' happened.
( Panting )
Oh, god ! What a breakthrough !
( Audience laughing )
All right, all right, all right. Give me that. All right.
Ok, here we go.
Now it's me. All right.
Ok, mr. Pants, here we go, all right.
Have you ever...
Skinny-Dipped with michelle goodwin ?
Yes.
Oh.
Wait, who's michelle goodwin ?
She's this girl i had a crush on in the 7th grade.
Ok,
Have you ever dressed up like a lady of affluence,
Gone to a fancy downtown eatery,
Picked up a rich guy,
Seduced him, and made him wanna marry you ?
Yes, our story was made into a hit broadway musical.
Aw, man.
All right. Have you ever
Taken a train and eaten it piece by piece
After you just derailed it with your penis ?
Yes.
( All exclaiming )
It was for charity ! It was for charity !
All right. Enough, enough.
Congratulations, you got it. You got the job.
Oh, great !
Welcome to shoe-Court shoe store.
You'll be working in the women's athletic department.
Well, i love shoes.
( Buzzer sounding )
( Announcer ) you've been watching the lost episode of mr. Show .
Stayed tuned for the time caplet.
Tee-Vee t.V.
We are your memories.
( Announcer ) the time caplet.
Tonight's special guest hosts,
The creators of e.I., pip and pooper,
Squishy and the sea balloons,
And cornelius j. Huffin'-Hoofin' fattin'-Fiffin',
Sam and criminy craffft.
( Audience applauding )
Hi, i'm sam craffft and this is my brother, criminy.
You remember us.
Our menagerie of poppety oddballs
Were, uh, all over your saturday morning television set
When you were a kid.
Yeah, people are always askin' us,
"Hey, man, where did you get those crazy ideas from ?"
Well, this was the late 60s.
That was the early 70s.
Yeah, so, you know,
We didn't have short attention spans like you kids today, you know,
I mean, back then, i mean,
We could just sit and stare at a candle for 3 hours
And just, you know, have our minds blown,
You know, uh, i mean, eatin' an orange,
That was like takin' a trip through a citrus mountain.
Right.
Well, now we'd like to show you
The last show we ever made.
The thing never aired.
All right, criminy.
You know, i mean, the network was like,
"Hey, what are you two doin' ? You're crazy, you know."
It was too much for 'em, man.
It sort of got us fired.
Yeah, you know, they said it had a bad message, but, hey man,
We were holding the mirror up to society.
We haven't worked since.
So, if you're watching, hollywood, we're still alive.
Yeah, and if you want to contact us,
Just call candy adams at entertainment 4-Every-1.
Appreciate it.
And now here's our lost, uh, episode.
( Announcer ) the following children's program
Is not suitable for younger or more sensitive viewers.
* billy was a normal boy, lonely, lazy and dull *
* one day his friend gurgles flew in *
* and hit him on the skull
* and he took the trip to a place that's hip *
* exciting and wild, his lid was flipped *
* it's as loony as
* a place gets
* welcome to the altered state of druggachusetts *
Druggachusetts is a sam and criminy craffft production.
( Popping )
( With british accent ) gosh, what a great day in druggachusetts, eh, gurgles ?
( Gurgling ) hey, billy, let's have fun and play !
Billy, billy !
Hi, jonesie, hi, pot brownies, hi, hallucina-Jenny.
I could taste colors.
Oh, there's no time for that. You gotta help us.
Ooh, what's wrong ?
Oh, somehow we've got to
( All ) order a pizza.
Well, that's easy. Just use the telephone.
( All screaming )
We can't !
Everybody hates us.
( All ) yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you guys are just paranoid.
Oh, that's it, exactly.
All right, i'll make the phone call.
( All ) yay !
But where's the telephone ?
Oh, i forgot.
But i know somebody who might know.
Let's all go catch the canna-Bus.
( All yelling )
( Horn honking )
This is professor l.S.D. Trails' place.
Just a second ! Oh, i'm melting !
Oh, hello, jonesie. Why do you hate me ?
Guys, come on, remember, we are all friends here.
Who said we're not friends ? We're friends.
Is he cool ?
Yeah, he's cool.
Professor, we need to use your phone.
All right, then.
No, you can't call. There's people on the other end.
They'll know ! They'll know !
Yes, they'll know that we want some pizza.
Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god, these clothes !
They are too tight, they are strangling me.
I'm havin' a hard time here, man.
Oh, man, the professor's freakin' out.
( All ) be cool, man.
Everything will be fine in a few hours.
Don't forget to breathe.
Hey, buddy,
We're going to take you over to the tent now, all right ?
Havin' a bad time here, man. I wish this thing was over.
It will end. Everything's gonna be cool. Hey, you got--
Pick up your buddy in about 2 hours.
I'm gonna give him some b-12 and some orange slices.
( Professor screaming )
Oh, and hey, everybody, listen up.
Only take what you can handle
And always know your dealer.
Yeah.
Well, now that that's taken care of...
As mayor of the altered state of druggachusetts,
I declare this pizza to be...
Awesome.
( All ) yay !
( Music playing )
Well, david, that wraps up our "lost episode."
( Sighing )
It's all right here. Say goodbye to it, everybody.
Write to us, stay in touch.
He looks so natural,
Like he's sleeping.
Hey, lost episode, i wish i had more parts in you and shit, but...
( Sighing )
( Audience laughing )
Remember when there was only one set of footprints ?
That's when i was carrying you.
( Audience laughing )
Hey, fancy pants, you weren't in this show.
Go ahead, get lost, episode,
See if i care.
( Crying )
All right, well,
We'll see you, little guy, uh...
I hope the people of the future
Appreciate you more than these people did.
Yeah, these people were assholes.
All right, now lose this.
Get it out of here.
( Audience applauding )
( Both gibbering )
( Audience applauding )
Thank you, thank you.
Welcome to mr. Show.
Hey, look at this.
Who wants a banana ?
( Screaming )
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